Two More Days

So, things last year did not work out quite like I'd planned.  I got back from India and after discussing it with my parents, we decided that it would be better if I waited another year to have the mastectomy.  I just graduated from college and have not started working yet, so it is a good time to take some time off to recover.  In two days, I will go in to get my mastectomy.  People keep asking how I feel about it, but--at this moment--I don't really feel anything.  Some moments I feel ready, others I feel terrified.  Most of the time though, I just feel sort of numb.  I imagine I'm not letting myself feel everything in order to protect myself.  If I let all the fear and sadness in, I don't know if I could go through with the surgery.  I'm terrified of waking up, looking down, and seeing that there is nothing there.  I don't want to look in the mirror and see the drains and the stitches.  My boobs have never been my favorite body part, but they are mine.  I'm losing a part of myself.  I feel like I'm losing what--according to biology and society--makes me a woman.  I know this is the right decision, but it is not a decision that I want to make.  It is not a decision that anyone should have to make.